I was in the grocery store the other day stocking up on processed cheese food substitutes. The line was rather long of course because I was in the "I-can't-count-to-10" items express-line. This is the line where people justify their bulging shopping carts by saying they only have "4 basic food groups". After a brief altercation with a septuagenarian in front of me (an altercation that ended with a well placed kielbasa), I had to wait while he paid his $187.51 grocery bill with pennies from his coin purse. I settled down among the candy bars to nurse my fresh wounds and perused the women's magazines.
I think most men are uncomfortable reading women's magazines. Probably they feel their masculinity is threatened if they are seen reading these journalistic tributes to estrogen overload. As if publicly reading Cosmopolitan shouts to the world "I'm wearing pantyhose right now, and thank God the cotton lining lets me breath!" Well believe me, you can be reading Guns and Ammo magazine and still be thankful for that cotton lining, but that's not my point.
I love reading women's magazines. Besides the eroticism of the hair removal advertisements, these rags are a treasure trove of valuable insight into the psyche of the American female. If indeed our humanity is characterized by an ongoing "Battle of the Sexes", I believe it is important to know thy enemy. For our own survival, men need to read these magazines to prepare themselves for the full-scale assault of a woman who's just read a Redbook article entitled "10 Ways To Get Your Man To Share His Inner Most Feelings". Men know their inner most feelings involve Hooters Girls, sports statistics, Hooters Girls, making lots of money, Hooters Girls, red meat, sports statistics and Hooter Girls (not necessarily in that order). Men don't need a women's magazine to know that they should never share their innermost feelings. However, by reading the pabulum in these magazine articles, men will be well-armed to answer the barrage of questions fired at them; Men should always be prepared for questions like: "Where do you see our relationship going?" "If you didn't meet me, would you be happy with someone else? or the ever-dreaded "Am I fat?". It might come as some surprise to men that the correct answers to these questions respectively are: "I like our relationship just the way it is.", "I guess so.", and "Well you have put on a few."
Even if men have no interest in arming themselves for the inevitable salvo of female banter, it's just plain funny reading women's magazines to see what drives women nuts. The worldly importance women place upon "the right shoes" is hilarious. Of course the worldly importance men place upon their favorite quarterback's rating is equally hilarious to women. For me though, women's magazines are just funny to read.
In every women's magazine though, there is the inevitable QUIZ. These quizzes are usually the most entertaining sections of the magazines (besides the "men are pigs" horror stories). Additionally, the quizzes are easily completed while Granny is searching through her coupon organizer in the check-out line. Usually the quizzes are all sexually related, although a few amusing fashion quizzes show up from time to time. Understandably, not everyone wants to pay the $3.95 to buy one of these rags, so I've developed a quiz myself based on the valuable information I've read in women's magazines. Go ahead and read it. You might just learn a little about yourself and the opposite sex.
1. Women will often go to bed with a man on a first date if she believes the man is:
a) Interested in a long term commitment
b) Well educated and with a good career
c) Wearing great shoes
2. Men will often likely go to bed with a woman on a first date if the woman:
a) is attractive
b) is intelligent
c) has no visible open sores...and even that can be cured with a few tequilas.
3. A sure sign that a man is losing his sex drive is
a) he is not aroused by his partner
b) he would prefer to read a book
c) he's too lazy to patch the leak in the doll
4. Men are most likely to masturbate
a) once a week
b) twice a week
c) before finishing this survey
5. Women are most likely to masturbate
a) in a bathtub
b) listening to soothing music
c) after "minute-man" has begun snoring.
6. To prolong sex and delay orgasm, men often think about
a) baseball
b) football
c) Hillary Clinton
7. One way a woman can enhance her sexual life with her partner is to:
a) suggest playing role-playing games
b) meet him at the door wearing Saran wrap
c) charge discount fees for loyal customers
8. One way a man can enhance his sexual life with his partner is to
a) surprise her with flowers and champagne in the middle of the week
b) take her on a long weekend in a romantic hotel room
c) switch to his left hand
9. Women are most aroused by
a) slow caressing and a gentle touch
b) alternating fast then slow direct stimulation
c) a Harley Davidson on high-idle.
10. Men are most aroused by
a) visual eroticism
b) direct physical stimulation
c) anything that moves
- Mood:
Llama
Virginia War Museum
